Isn’t That Interesting? Curiosity and Humble Deferral™

Written By: Cyndy Hunt Luzinski, MS, RN, SPECAL® Master Practitioner

Founder and Executive Director, Dementia Together

Albert Einstein said, “Never lose a holy curiosity.” That’s timeless wisdom for life and profoundly true in caring for a loved one living with dementia.

This week in our Dementia Together family care partner workshops, we practiced a simple, powerful response when our instinct is to correct or contradict: Just “find it interesting.” What does “finding it interesting” look like? It looks like taking a strategic pause, maybe accompanied by a deep breath, softening our expression, maybe even smiling, making eye contact, and choosing curiosity.

As we grasp that feelings store even when facts don’t, curiosity becomes our pivot from arguing logical details to honoring deeper heart and soul feelings. Conveying genuine interest that our loved ones feel a certain way is easy and authentic as we realize feelings are more important than facts for anyone living with the disability of dementia. A loved one’s “I have to go to work” may signal a deeper need for purpose, not a factual error to correct. A kind, gentle look conveying, “that’s interesting” instead of “that’s not right” can shift distress to calm.

Humble deferral is simply choosing to be kind, placing the well-being of our loved one above our desire to be right. Sometimes, humble deferral (also called compassionate deferral) demonstrated with a nonverbal nod of acceptance is enough. Other times, in the case of a loved one feeling like it’s time to go to work, it may lead to our need to join together in finding something meaningful to honor the need for purpose and engagement in the moment.

In the everyday moments when we choose curiosity over certainty, kindness over being right, and humble deferral over contradiction, we practice a deeper kind of love. Something meaningful takes root there: Connection and grace that help both care partners and their loved ones “do dementia together.”